I’m all for convenience, but there is a line, and it has been crossed. We made food for thousands of years with only our hands and some basic tools. I think we can do without these stupidly specific products.
1. Egg Cracker
Are there no 90° angles in your kitchen? Have we got the answer for you…
2. S’mores Maker
It pinches your s’more together. That is all.
3. Nana Saver
Is one banana too much, but zero is not enough? With the Nana Saver, you can eat one half and save the other for when you come back to reality you delusional muppet.
4. Cucumber Saver
Are those pesky cucumbers not fitting in your Nana Saver? You need this, too.
5. Quesadilla Maker
Do you not have a stove or a microwave or an oven? Then you probably want your only appliance to be a glorified cheese melter.
6. Pickle Picker
If only there were already a 4-pronged tool to pull pickles out of a jar…if only…
7. Noodle Splatter Shield
Even for Japan this is pretty ridiculous.
8. Butter Spreader
Spreading butter has always been a way too unpredictable part of my life.
9. Table Saw
“I’d rather be in the garage than the kitchen. Hardy har har!”
10. Motorized Ice Cream Cone
Stick your tongue out and let the batteries do the work. Available for the low, low price of your soul.
11. NY Slice
Congratulations, you have somehow made eating pizza with a fork and knife even douchier.
12. Homo Sapiens Sandstone Tool
It is literally a $59 rock you use to mash things.
13. Battery Operated Flour Sifter
Are you tired of your flour clumping together? No? Okay, nevermind then.
14. Wake’n Bacon
Wake up to the light, refreshing aroma of cooked bacon!
15. Pizza Scissors Spatula
No. Just no.
16. Milk Moo Head
Are you tired of pouring milk the same old boring way? Have a cow vomit it instead.
17. Grill Sergeant Apron
“I’d rather be stationed in Vietnam than the grill. Hardy har har!”
18. Taco Proper
No laughing matter? That’s because they’re not a matter at all.
19. Mr. Sniffles Egg Separator
Not only does Mr. Sniffles look like a smack addict, but you can always use the shell to separate like a goddamn human being.
20. Bell Pepper Corer
Peppers…am I right? The Rubik’s Cube of vegetables.
21. Roll N Pour
Is all that pouring making your wrist sore? You probably have a broken wrist.
22. Avocado Keeper
Are your leftover avocados too important to go into regular tupperware? Give them the designer home that they deserve.
23. Banana Slicer
This review speaks for us all.