2. Blood Scented Candle With Knife Charm ($13)
The scent is “acrid yet pleasant; a salty yet somewhat sweet metallic.”
3. Handmade 100% Beeswax Couple Candles ($15)
It’s your anniversary: The rose petals are strewn, the champagne is on ice, and the mood lighting is lit. If these insanely expensive sex candles don’t put him in the mood, what will?
4. Skeleton Gummi Bear Candle ($55)
You ever look at a candle and think, Yeahhhh, I’d like to see what that thing’s skeleton looks like!?
5. Mermaid Candle ($24.95)
You light this mermaid candle and within minutes your legs begin to fuse together as scales blossom all over your thighs. Finally, you think, my dreams are coming true!
Suddenly, your lungs start to reject the air you’re breathing. You try to drag yourself to water…but then you remember that you’re in the living room of a third-floor walk-up apartment in Toledo.
You die. But at least you die a mermaid.
7. Candle by the Hour 100-Hour Snowman Candle ($41.22)
“Some people are worth melting for.” —Olaf
9. Heart Shaped Pillar Candle With Fluted Edges and Red Wax Chunks ($10)
Much like vomit, candles are always better when they’re loaded with chunks.
10. “Two Peas in a Pod” Baby Candle Favor ($2.78)
Just gaze at these smiling babies as they melt away into the ether! Happy baby shower!
11. Fried Egg Candle ($11.99)
Don’t have a frying pan? Give your kids the “this is your brain on drugs” lecture with a candle!
12. Thumbs Up! Five Piece Finger Candles ($14.02)
As he stared at the corpse-finger birthday candles, Charlie decided to wish for new friends.
13. Burger Candle ($19.81)
On a diet? Just light this candle and *pretend* you’re eating a burger.
Or just eat this candle burger. Wax is virtually calorie-free.
15. Doobie Birthday Candles ($8)
“Bro, is your joint made of… wax?”
“It’s a better high, bro. You should try it.”
16. Hand-Carved Penguin Candle ($62.95)
Decor or poignant commentary on global warming? You be the judge.
17. Mini Chick Candles ($9.95)
The only thing that brought Lionel peace was watching baby chick candles burn. The only thing that brought Lionel’s roommate peace was staying away from the apartment.
18. Grubby Candles ($16)
“So! What sort of decorating scheme are you going for when you redo your living room?”
“I’m thinking grubby.”
19. Astro Tushiez Candle Holder ($60)
♫ My ana-candle don’t want none unless you got buns hun ♫
20. Bloomy Candles ($19.99)
When you want your candles to look like alien pods in the process of unsheathing.
21. Willy Penis Candle ($8.02)
Some asshole do you wrong? Does this asshole have a dick? Sneak up to his house, light this, and leave it on his doorstep. He’ll be afraid. You’ll laugh. You’ll laugh so hard.
22. Horn Player Candle ($22)
You could burn him. Or you could tuck him into your purse and carry him with you everywhere. Make a reservation for two at a restaurant and tenderly place him in the seat across from you. Spoon some soup into his partially open mouth and let it dribble down onto his hobbitlike toes. Get your portrait taken by a photographer you found on Pinterest and upload it to your Facebook account. Wait for the likes to roll in. Tell the world that you have a love and he may be waxen but that does not mean that the connection is not real.