I recently had my first child, and it has opened my eyes to the magical world of baby products. You definitely need a lot of new things when having a baby, but some products out there are kind of crazy, and you should probably not waste your money.
I could actually see this succeeding as an adult product, but it’s probably not necessary for a toddler.
Ride on vacuum
The Crib Dribbler
Feed your baby like that pet rat you always wanted. OK this isn’t a real product, but you can buy this prank box to give one of the other ridiculous items to an expecting mother.
Onesie with built-in mop
When you want to make your child earn their food by doing chores.
“It’s a Boy!” Card
Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case
Do babies really need iPhones this badly?
NoseFrida the Snotsucker
The snot sucking tube really grosses me out, especially the strange noise it makes. A tissue works just fine for me.
This baby snuggie will make you look like you have an alien inside you.
Zacky Hand Pillow
This creepy hand pillow is for when you don’t want to touch your baby anymore, but don’t want him or her to notice you’ve left.
The Crying “Analyzer”
This seems like the best scam ever. I only wish I thought of it first.
Baby’s Poop Alarm
This device can alert you of a dirty diaper the moment it happens by sensing humidity, odor, and temperature changes. Just changing the baby regularly throughout the day isn’t that hard.
If you are worried about a messy baby, you shouldn’t have had a baby.
The Baby Lasso
By the time you get this on, you child will have probably moved on to something else.
This motion-sensing belt sends a tweet on behalf of your baby every time a kick is detected. I don’t think even my closest friends or family would want that many updates, much less, the entire world.
The Windi gas relievers (aka baby butt plugs)
From the same company that brought you the Snotsucker comes these gas relieving butt plug things??
Placenta Brooch (for easy storage of your placenta)
Kids bump their heads and get over it. It’s how they learn to be more careful. Don’t protect them from learning.
Snazzy Baby Knee Pads
With this and the Thudguard, you might as well just put your baby in a bubble.
Baby high heels
Babies don’t even walk yet so regular shoes aren’t even really needed, but high heels are just insane.
You are supposed to use these to cover up your boy’s junk during diaper changes to stop any accidents. I may have a girl but can still tell you babies move way too much for these things to stay on.
Baby Butt Fan
Drying your baby’s butt before putting a diaper back on can help reduce diaper rashes. I just use the diaper I’m about to put on as a fan.
This tub (i.e., expensive bucket) is womb-shaped and that is supposed to ease the baby’s transition into the world. Just buy a regular bucket if that’s what you want.
The bottle holder
Inspired by the beer holders we see at every NFL game, this product is great when you are just sick of caring for your child.
Just wait and their hair will grow soon enough. That’s how it works.
We’ve survived this long without giving our babies touchscreens, we can (and should) probably go longer.